I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
You Might Also Like
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us