Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
the composer
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him