My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.