My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh