My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
fr
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?