@FknVancouver: My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
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@SteveSuckington: [high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
@thedailymarker: Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.
@garrettbarry70: [At job interview] M. "No, English is my second language." I. "What's your first language then?" M. "Emoji."