[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
waiting for halloween be like:
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
presenting your incognito window wrapped