Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
normalize having existential bread
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.