My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
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Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.