My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You Might Also Like
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!