My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
and now we wait
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Finally!
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda