My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Ferrari squats
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born