My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years