My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.