my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I’m awake but I object,