my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.