The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.