@just1fool: My dog wouldn't shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
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@happily_dad: Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I'm washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
@eddiesteadyno: The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn't bargain on "bankrupt" being an option.
@Reverend_Scott: [Adam and Eve in bed] Adam, am I really the only girl for you? GOD EVE, YOU'RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
@sammyrhodes: Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.