Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Fight
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
S M O L
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!