@just1fool: My dog wouldn't shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
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@_Kim_Jongun: For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
@LetsQuoteComedy: In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
@LipstickSpice: I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".
@panmidwest: *talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog's water bowl*