Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet