Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
You Might Also Like
best review i’ve ever seen
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.