My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.