My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Merica.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Finally!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest