@Kim_pulsive: My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I'm too goddamned lazy to do it
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@CakeThrottle: Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it Director: Yes but we're filming the movie now, do you see the difference
@IamEnidColeslaw: I've been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Kidnapper." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
@internetluke: [last supper] Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say Judas (sweating): no not really