My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
You Might Also Like
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
<—- homeless romantic
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior