“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.