“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
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ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long