My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
$4 #usedbooks
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.