“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
another case of gang violins
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.