@kentgrossarth: My downstairs neighbor thinks I'm a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
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@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
@chapel3929: *deathbed* All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family* getting down to this... sick... beat *dies* *widow rolls eyes*
@DCpierson: A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
@rolldiggity: Bully: "Hey, four eyes!" Me: "Don't you mean... fork eyes?" [Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]