@kentgrossarth: My downstairs neighbor thinks I'm a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
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@1_swarthy_dude: Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
@ehdannyboy: "Better out than in," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Terrible heart surgeon.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.