@NervousJr: my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
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@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@BrandonEsWolf: The flight attendant keeps saying "Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."