*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.