Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.