@OBiiieeee: My dream girl is basically a pizza in a mini skirt.
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@notacroc: [universe where we use wormholes to deliver food] *a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face* Me: stay sharp Blent
@sara_ashlynn: My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!" I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.
@blade_funner: [me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
@PaperWash: "Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?" *Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down* "Omg!" Narrator: The power of Febreeze