Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
You Might Also Like
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.