@NikiWithIssues: My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he'll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
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@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things me *walks out of the bathroom* wife: Did you wash your hands? me *goes back in the bathroom*
@StarvingHartist: Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
@TheAlexNevil: *intercom SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO...get off me...let go...NEVER FORGET!
@callingCQ: Friend: "I grilled some chickens over the weekend." Me: "Did you get the information that you were looking for?"