My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”