My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.