“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
love it when they get my name right
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.