My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
idk what this dog had been going through but same
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously