My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT