My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
You Might Also Like
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Good point.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.