“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.