If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Taliband
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.