My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.