My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”