My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Why I divorced her.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Fries, not lies.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.