how to have an accident 101
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
This is sending me to another galaxy
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.