Make new friends? bro out of what?
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
me before I type out affect or effect
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir