“We will wed,” I threatened
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My patience has stretch marks.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.