My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.