My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Meat Cute
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?