My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
You Might Also Like
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*