@juliussharpe: My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
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@daemonic3: My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
@P_o_n_k: INVESTOR: But how will I know when it's done? INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you've ever been.
@Reverend_Scott: [firing squad] Any last requests? "Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*