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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.