@juliussharpe: My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
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@Amusitr0n: Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife. Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
@wendchymes: Friend: I haven't had sex in years! Me: meh, join the club Friend: I haven't had coffee in 5 days! Me: DEAR GOD!!!
@K_blue: Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can't fire you if they can't find you.
@david8hughes: [at work] "Mornin, Margaret." "Mornin. You're late today." [looks at watch] "Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"