@juliussharpe: My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
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@cepheusjackson: [GRAND CANYON] WIFE: Isn't this incredible? ME: It's ok. WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons? ME: I don't want to talk about it
@DannyZuker: I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
@TheAlexNevil: Read a magazine at the doctor's office so I'm all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don't think Bush can beat him.
@MarkTConard: Someone hash-tagged "share the love," and I read it as "shave the love." I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.