one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
This January has 47 Mondays
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
How did we not see this back then?