My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.